Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Bearing Witness to the Pain of Child Abuse Survivors

The chorus of the popular song "Jar of Hearts" by Christina Perri has been playing in my head recently:

And who do you think you are
Running around leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart...

The song sounds like it was written from the perspective of a woman who was mistreated by her partner.  But I keep thinking of it in terms of someone who was abused as a child.  I've worked with hundreds of survivors of childhood physical, emotional and sexual abuse over the course of my career and at one point or another in their healing journeys , one way or another, almost all end up asking, "who do they think they are?!"

It's a good question. We live in a sick society, where cruelty to animals was a crime long before child abuse laws were enacted. And even now, after a few decades of awareness campaigns, business is still booming for child protective services workers in this country.  Abuse begets more abuse. The intergenerational impact of childhood abuse is staggering.  When parents abuse their children, it is unfortunately common for the children to end up marrying abusers or become abusers themselves --  and the abuse is passed on from generation to generation until somebody breaks the cycle by seeking help.

Help is available. However, it is very difficult for survivors of abuse to trust anyone after their trust has been betrayed by the very people who were supposed to protect them from harm.  And unfortunately, therapists often don't fully understand the implications of this and get frustrated or angry when they feel criticized or rejected by the clients they are trying to help.
Survivors often interpret therapist interventions based on their deeply ingrained expectations regarding  relationships, rather than the actual interactions.  When I say "I have to get off the phone" my client might interpret that as anger or rejection and when I  say" I care what happens to you" my client might respond, "you only care about me because you are getting paid."   No matter how many times I explicitly state that I am paid for my time, not for caring, because my caring can't be bought, many survivor clients continue to believe I only care because I'm paid, until we have done a lot of experiential work on our therapeutic relationship.

I've learned that even if a client can cognitively grasp what I'm saying that doesn't mean that it sinks in on an emotional level.   I had a very rude awakening when I first started doing EMDR therapy with a client who was abused from the age of 4.  The first time we reprocessed a sexual abuse memory with EMDR, she exclaimed in a surprised tone "it’s really not my fault!"  I had been trying to tell her this for two years and found out that she had only been paying lip service to what I was saying because she didn't want to contradict me.  It turned out that every time I said "It's not your fault"  she thought to herself  "yeah, right" with tremendous sarcasm.  Boy did I learn a valuable lesson that day!

As a psychotherapist who specializes in helping survivors of abuse, I am honored to be a partner in their healing.  I bear witness to their pain and help them to know they are no longer alone.  I accept their distrust and I own my own mistakes instead of blaming them, especially since they have often been blamed unfairly by their abusers.  I help them to go from surviving to prevailing and thriving, as I have done in my own healing journey. 

What experiences have you had with helping child abuse survivors to heal? Do you have any wisdom to add? Please page down to comment.

































8 comments:

  1. For a therapist to be honored to be a partner in their client’s healing is what it is all about. For a therapist to bear witness and feel their pain and to let them feel they are not alone is “Big”. To accept the abused person’s distrust and own their own mistakes instead of blaming the client is really exceptional because the survivor was blamed enough in their life. If you get a therapist with all of these qualities you are considered truly lucky. Stick with it as long as you can. And get to the thriving part. So you can actually laugh at those abusers.

    I am a survivor. I still have some things I have problems with but I know I will succeed in getting thru them. Why? Because my therapist has taught me to be a fighter, a survivor instead of a victim. Because she took the time to listen, she took the time to keep going when I wanted to quit, she felt my pain, she felt my distrust and dealt with it, she took on my sarcasm and it didn’t bug her. Maybe she got frustrated but she dealt with it. She never ever blamed me for anything. I am on a new path in life, I have her to thank.

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  2. Dear Anonymous,

    Thank you for sharing about your experience with therapy.

    You deserve a lot of credit for sticking with it when you felt like quitting. Have you ever heard the expression "it takes two to tango"? From what you described, you and your therapist have mastered a "dance" that is much more complex than the tango and it took both of you to succeed.

    I admire your determination and persistence.

    Warmly,
    Andrea

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  3. Andrea,
    Beautiful post. Thank you!

    Sharon G.

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  4. Dear Sharon G.,

    You're welcome. It was my pleasure! Thanks for the kind feedback.

    Warmly,
    Andrea

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  5. Hi Andrea - Thanks for sharing how we are witnesses to the horror of childhood sexual abuse, and how society closes their eyes. And yes EMDR is such a wonderful integrative tool, linking up body mind & spirit in a profound manner. thanks!

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  6. Hi Andrea - thanks for writing this post abt how the UNDERFUNDED business of child protective services and mental heath is booming. Mental health providers bear witness to the most horrific abuse every day. And society turns a blind eye. EMDR is such a wonderful therapeutic, integrating profound insight on the bodymindspirit levels.

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  7. Hi Kathy,

    You make an important point about inadequate funding for child protective services and mental health treatment. Thanks for adding to the conversation.

    Warmly,
    Andrea

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  8. Hi all,

    As a follow up to Kathy's comments, I have a suggestion for one way we can help rectify underfunding of mental health services. The EMDR Humanitarian Assistance Program helps bring EMDR training to underserved and underfunded communities to help alleviate suffering and break the cycle of violence. If you want to contribute, you can make a donation via the EMDR HAP website: http://www.emdrhap.org/donations/

    Thanks,
    Andrea

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