Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Grief Over the Death of a Client


One of my clients died and I feel incredibly sad about it.


She was a very special woman.  She was sadistically abused from the age of three and had tremendous strength, courage and  an unshakeable faith, despite all the trauma she endured. 
 

I worked with her for eleven years helping her to heal from all the neglect and abuse she had suffered as a child.  It was a shared journey.  I felt her pain when she suffered and felt her joy when the suffering was transformed.  I shared my reactions so she would know the impact she had on me.  She needed to know she touched my heart and soul, that it wasn't just a job to me. That is what made it possible for her to feel safe enough to reveal her pain to me.
 

I learned so much from her.  She was one of the most traumatized clients I have ever worked with and I kept having to expand my toolkit to be able to help her.  I was grateful for her willingness to try new things with me.
 

At one point in our work together I was feeling stuck about how to help her overcome a particular obstacle and was searching for new approaches to try.  She was desperate for relief from her suffering but was trapped in her self-blame and shame.  That is what motivated me to go for EMDR training seven years ago.  I will always be grateful to her for her role in that. 

 
This amazing survivor had just recently stopped having flashbacks and was looking forward to the next chapter in her life.  Then she was diagnosed with brain cancer.  It seemed so incredibly unfair.  Yet she faced this new obstacle with such grace, accepting whatever God had planned for her.
 

First she fought to survive, then when her chance of survival was so low and her ability to function was deteriorating, she chose to go into hospice and die with dignity. I learned another important lesson as I struggled to catch up with her and accept her decision so that I could be there for her and say goodbye.

 
She wanted others to learn from her experience overcoming childhood trauma and had wanted to write about it, but the brain cancer made that impossible.  So she asked me to tell her story. This is one way of honoring her request.

20 comments:

  1. What a powerful story Andrea. Thank you for sharing it. As therapists we really do journey with our clients. I have heard it said, and I believe, that God will bring to us the clients who need us, and those who we need. This story shows that so beautifully. I do grow from my clients, both professionally as I reach out to learn new tools to help them, but even personally as I am challenged by their courage and tenacity towards healing.

    Barbara A. Long LISW-S
    Spiritual Vistas Counseling and Services

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    1. Dear Barbara,

      I love your message. Thanks for commenting.

      Warmly,
      Andrea

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  2. Andrea,

    I am so sorry for your loss...

    What a powerful and moving journey you and your client traveled together. And how beautiful it is that as you were helping her heal, she was in turn motivating you to become a more skilled and talented therapist.

    She truly sounds like a lovely and remarkable woman... even in her illness, she wanted to find a way to help others - to share her story and by asking you to do so, I think she has provided you with a touching way of respecting the time and work you two have shared together. I believe it's testament to how much she truly healed... and how much you meant to her.

    Sending you a big hug,
    Dorlee

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    1. Dear Dorlee,

      Thanks for your support. It means a lot to me.

      Warmly,
      Andrea

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  3. Andrea,

    She sounds like an amazing person. Thank you for choosing to share her story and to honor her voice. It's an important reminder that we are connected with and affected by our clients--which helps us remain empathetic and motivated to learn.

    Warmly,
    Ann

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    1. Dear Ann,

      I am glad that you found meaning in what I wrote. It was a hard one for me because it is very personal. I appreciate your feedback.

      Warmly,
      Andrea

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  4. Andrea - What a powerful story. Please keep on telling her story. Is she allowing you to do a biography? It would be a wonderful book to read. So sorry for your loss. She was an inspiration to you, your inspiration to learn EMDR! How wonderful a gift to the world she left..you as a trauma therapist.

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    1. Dear Kathy,

      Thanks for your kind words. I intend to continue to tell her story in various ways. Stay tuned...

      Warmly,
      Andrea

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  5. Hello Andrea,

    Thank you for sharing, Andrea. How wonderful for both of you that you could journey together. And even though she is no longer physically here, her spirit and love will continue to live on with many years of memories. How fortunate for both of you that you met!

    Blessings,

    Judith

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    1. Dear Judith,

      How comforting! Thanks for taking the time to comment.

      Warmly,
      Andrea

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  6. What a powerful story and what a great witness to the work that you do! I know what a loss it is to have a client die, but I am glad that she felt the freedom to share her story through you and that you shared it with us.

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    1. Dear Rachelle,

      Thanks for your kind comments.

      Warmly,
      Andrea

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  7. Therapist learn so much from their clients as your post demonstrates. Thank you for sharing this touching story. I pray it encourages others to find their inner strength.

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    1. Dear JoAnn,

      I echo your heartfelt prayer.

      Warmly,
      Andrea

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  8. beautiful and inspirational story, your actions as a caregiver transcend life and death. YOU work with a spirit of faith, hope and love and it is beautiful. Thank you for sharing this story.

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    1. Dear Erica,

      I am touched by your kind words. Thank you.

      Warmly,
      Andrea

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  9. Andrea,
    I appreciate everything you have done for my sister along her journey towards healing up to her ultimate healing with the Lord. Yes, she was an amazing woman and survivor, and I miss her tremendously. Your post brought tears to my eyes knowing how much she respected you and how much you have helped her heal. I thank you from my heart, and I thank God that He orchestrated the events that brought the two of you together. Thank you as well for being there for me and other loved ones during those difficult months prior to her passing.
    With my love and respect.

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    1. It was my privilege to help your sister. I'm glad I had the chance to know her. I miss her too.

      Thanks for your heartfelt appreciation. I wish you comfort in your grief.

      Warmly,
      Andrea

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  10. Andrea, please accept my condolences.
    I am happy that you played such an important role in this woman's life...and she in yours. You are the example and the proof that there are therapists who truly care about their clients and will better themselves just to continue to be able to help them towards recovery.

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  11. Dear AllianceGateKeepah,

    Thanks so much for your kindness. It means a lot to me that you took the time to reach out and express your condolences. I also appreciate your recognition of my caring and dedication to my clients' healing.

    I hope you and your family have a great Thanksgiving!

    Warmly,
    Andrea

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